The following huge text may contain bad grammar and lose ends and bad storytelling. Not that its a story in that point, but just want to write it somewhere and the fact that I can't sleep.


In the middle of the last lesson that day, I got a call from my mother. I went outside and answered the call.
She asked what I was doing. I said I was having German, and we watched a movie.. I knew something was wrong, the moment she called.

She said my grandmother died this morning.

...


And me, fool, could only ask: ...How ill was she?.. She couldn't..?
At the time, I didn't get it. No. She couldn't be gone. Not her.
We knew she was ill but not that much.

My mom asked if I wanted to go and say goodbye to her.

Of course.

I should go and meet my brother at his work. The towns Cinema. We will be picked up there by our parents, and then on to grandmother.

I went into the class again, where the movie was started. I whispered to the teacher why I needed to leave, and she said okay with a worried look in her face. I went to the back of the dark class and putted my stuff in my schoolbag. I didn't hear that one of my classmates asking me what was wrong. I just went out of the room.
I don't really know how I felt at the moment. I haven't accepted it.

I was walking. Out the schools back door. It rained. Crossing the road. Down the street.
All in a trance like state. I'm just thinking what the hell has happened.
But I just couldn't get it. Still raining.

I came to the cinema. Called my brother and said that I was there now, and he could let me in (It was closed at the moment). My brother opened and I went inside. I could see that his eyes were red. I wondered how mine looked like. He asked how far our parents were from the town. I said that there were about 5-10 more minutes before they arrived.
We sat down. He got me some hot chocolate (No coffee for me). And we just sat there, stared out the air.
I looked at my brother. Still red eyes, but now there was also tears.
Thats were I realized, that this was real. My thoughts started running. Grandmother.
What I have feared the most. My fathers mother died thursday the 12th November. My grandmother.
The one who took care of me. My teacher. A great part of my family. That last bit of my childhood. Gone. My childhood.

I could feel that my eyes were starting to hurt.

"How do you feel?" he asked.

"I don't know" I said.

We just talked about what we were doing.

My brother called mom. They were close now.
We went out and waited for them. Still raining.

"There they are" he said. Mom and dad came driving by.
Mom waving and smiling from inside the car. At least she tried.
We got in. My brother gave them the coffee he had taken to them.
I said thanks again for my hot chocolate.

We talked. Grandmother haven't been well this week. Haven't eaten anything, so she didn't quite look like herself. Dad and my other brother have already seen her once. My other brother didn't wanted to see her. "He wanted to keep the picture he got of her in his mind" Dad said.

I was just sitting there at the backseat. Not knowing what to think.

We came to grandmothers caring home. My aunt met us by the door. hugged us.
My brother was already inside the bedroom where she apparently was. I saw he couldn't hold it back anymore.
I got my shoes and jacket off, and went to the door to look.

I turned my head away again and my eyes hurt even more. It was true. She was there. All silent. Not breathing. My grandmother was lying in there. not looking like her anymore.
Too skinny. Too pale.
I know its her. And she is not alive anymore.
I had to dry my eyes. I couldn't look again.
We went to the living room, and sat on cough and chairs.
My aunt had done a nice work by putting candlelights all over the little apartment.

My brother was okay now, and so was mom. She had a hard time too. Dad always hides his feelings, when it come to sorrow. poor man.
We talked abit about what had happened.
Then mom showed me some papers she had found in a drawer. A calender I had made for grandmother years ago.
There. It hit me like a hammer. Or more like a train.
I couldn't hold back anymore.

I could feel my brothers arm around my back.

Two priest like people game later to take Grandmother in a nice white coffin. Don't know what their names are in English.
It took a moment to do that.
One of the priests, a nice lady, asked if we wanted to sing and say a prayer for her.
My aunt said no at first, but then mom said, that she remembered when they said goodbye to Grandfather.
They sang a song, and prayed. That what she meant was best.
I couldn't agree more.
My aunt was also embarrassed. "Of course" she said. She loved Grandmother as much as I did. She didn't mean it that way.
A proper goodbye.

I looked at my family. We were on our way into the bedroom.

The other priest, a middle aged man I think, gave us songbooks.
I stayed at the doorway and saw Grandmother now was in the white coffin.
Didn't knew if I should go in or what, but I was told to go into the bedroom.

Not much space for all of us. And we stayed by the door, singing a song. And then, a prayer.

And then, time to say goodbye. We all left the room, and then entered for saying some last words for her.
Aunt was first I think. Then mom. Dad and my brother said that they already had said goodbye. Only I was left then.
I walked into the bedroom again.
My eyes hurt, but I looked anyway. There she was. Looking so peaceful. I kind off kneeled by her, and looked at her again.
I saw my Grandmother.
I could actually see her now. My childhood. My past. She was still there.

What I said to her doesn't matter. We helped her out in the car. We said proper goodbye to her.

For my mind, the day ended there. I didn't want to continue. I felt like a frightened 12 year old boy, with a mind like one. I wanted to go home. I had enough.

But I will stop the story here. All I say is, that I miss her.
I miss the memories and the childhood I had. I was happy with her that time.